"There is more to flowers than just being beautiful... There is more to it... I believe a flower which can grow from a wasteland is as strong as it is beautiful. I am... I am weak... That is why I always yearn for strength... "
- Mariel, Wild ARMs


...and yet another year passes by. I know, I know, this journal entry is late; some things will never change. Bite me.

Just like 2006, 2007 is another year that changed my life forever. When 2007 began I asked myself, "Heh, now I wonder what new things (both good and bad) 2007 has in store for me, aside from the 7 exams I have in April." Dear God, if I only knew how thorny the path ahead would be, I never would've asked! Those 7 exams were the least of my worries.

My grandfather died last year and yes, we were quite close. He was always there for me when I was younger. I remember back in kindergarten, he'd come get me and my cousins after school and we'd have pizza. He was also there whenever I had school recitals. He was pretty involved in my life, more so than my paternal grandparents. I regret I could not say 'good bye' (I live in Canada and he lived in the Philippines) and grieve. As soon as news of his death reached my family, my mom flew back home on the very same day. My father on the other hand, happened to be already on vacation in the Philippines and some vacation it turned out to be! As for myself, I'm the eldest of four children and by tradition, I was left in charge (I was practically a substitute parent). During that time, I kept telling myself, "I need to be strong for everybody. If I grieve now, I won't be able to stop." I don't mean to sound selfish, but I don't think anyone realized what kind of position I was in, having to be the strong one, the responsible one, and so on.

However, some good did come out of the loss of the family. When my parents brought back pictures and videos, I realized just how a great man he was. My grandfather used to be the vice-mayor of my hometown and was an acting mayor for a time. I've always known that. But when I saw that our old house was practically covered with flowers; mourners never leaving; my grandfather getting some kind of plaque acknowledging his accomplishments from the municipal office and the Filipino flag draped around his casket; and that his funerary service was performed by an archbishop along with several other priests (including my uncle), it occurred to me that I underestimated his greatness. I've never been more proud to be his grandchild and honoured that I carry his blood (and inherited his sarcastic, smart ass attitude). All of this occurred in February, not the best way to get 2007 started.

Unfortunately, the path ahead got thornier and thornier as my life began to fall apart. In May 2006, I rediscovered my soul, the strength that I had lost since high school. In due time, I became less of the shell of the man I've become and more like the person I used to be. Alas, my awakening was rather short-lived as by the summer of 2007, that ray of hope became dimmer and dimmer. I got severely depressed to the point where I tried to kill myself. And it wasn't the first time it's happened in the last seven years or so. There I said it. I've tried to kill myself on several occasions. Shame on me, I know.

I was prepared to die, but He saved me. I continue to live because of Him. Since it's not the first time I've failed to kill myself, there must be a reason why God insists on keeping me in this world. The ray of hope once again pierced through the dark clouds in the autumn of 2007.

I'm doing a lot better in my university studies, especially this year. I've made it my top priority to graduate as a Botanist, it takes precedence above all else. I wish to study plants and help in conserving the environment; it's something I've wanted to do since I was a child (I'm a geek, I know), but I guess when you're "dead inside" it's something you lose sight of. Plus, I wish to follow in my professors' footsteps (whom I all greatly admire and respect) and I wish to protect this beautiful world that God created. I know it sounds lame and something you'd hear from an anime, but oh well. Finally, I feel I owe it to plants as growing plants during the dark times was the one thing that kept me from completely breaking down (and I thought it was funny and ironic that a guy dead inside is nurturing and nourishing plants); it's great to be needed, even if they are just plants.

I think I've grown and learned much in these past two years. I understand the world better. I've learned a lot about people in general and have figured out who my real friends are. I'm also becoming more and more like my old self, though some traces of my "dead inside" self still remains, but in a good way. *sighs* The things the world puts you through to learn life's valuable lessons

I. Don't. Want. To. Die. I wish to live for as long as I can. I have sooooo many things to look forward to and things I need to do:

1) Become a Botanist.

2) Find other ways to serve the Lord.

3) My pets (my plants, especially my carnivorous plants) waking up from their winter slumber.

4) Be at my cousin's wedding this October.

5) Visit the Philippines.

6) -san's commission, tee-hee

7) Fall in love and get married.

8) Start a family.

9) Write that story of mine.

10) Improve my art.

11) Learn how to cook different dishes.

12) Make this list bigger (it's 1:00 AM and I need to go to school tomorrow… err, later this morning)

13) UPDATE: Make my grandfather proud.

LONGEST JOURNAL ENTRY EVER!
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